


Sinking Lifeless [Has Never Felt So Peaceful]

by devious-sex-monster (darkotter)



Category: Free!
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-19 22:42:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2405564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkotter/pseuds/devious-sex-monster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka wasn't good at talking, but everyone knew that. And that's where the problem started, because no one noticed just how bad he was hurting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally inspired by _Tentacles_ by Ghost Town.  
>  And episode 9 of Eternal Summer.  
> Finally finished this, it took me a while. Got stuck on some spots, and not really sure about how I feel about posting this, but I also want to post it, so I say what the hell. Here you go.

No one knew, because Haru didn’t talk about it.

Nanase Haruka wasn’t good at talking, but everyone knew that. Everyone knew that he was quiet, that he rarely spoke more than a few sentences at one time, and they were okay with that. Because that was how he had always been. Because Nagisa and Rin spoke enough to make up for that fact. Because he was quiet and preferred to listen and only spoke more when he was asked direct questions from Makoto or Rin. So how would they know, when he didn’t say anything about it? He was a little quieter. Nothing new. School was busy. Swim Club was busy. They were all a little stressed and so they just figured Haruka’s translated into becoming even quieter than normal. No one knew.

Nanase Haruka was hurting, and he was hurting bad.

 

***

 

The cold of the bath crept through his skin, but he made no motion to get out or drain the water. Instead, Haru continued to stare at his knees with unfocused eyes. Makoto would tell him off. Especially when he found out just how cold the water was. But at the moment, Haru didn’t care. He didn’t care that his hands were trembling gently under the water or that every so often a shiver wracked his frame.

The cold water distracted him. It calmed him. He took a deep, shuddering breathe. His lungs protested, but he sank down deeper into his bath. The ice cold water came up to his neck and each breathe he forced into his body hurt. But he didn’t move. Instead, he clenched his aching fingers together and stared at the tap.

Every couple seconds a droplet of water fell from the metal faucet with a soft _plunk_. Usually he was bothered by it. Not now. Instead, he watched it dazedly, focusing on its progress to the bath and how it caused minute ripples to dance until it hit the edges of the porcelain tub.

Anything to keep him from thinking. He didn’t want to drown, because if he started thinking he wouldn’t be able to stop and would drown himself in his own mind. So instead he let himself slide under the water’s freezing surface. He had to curl in on himself to stay completely submerged – the bath was too small to stretch out – but he was okay with that.

He turned his head towards the surface of the bath and slowly opened his eyes.

The light filtering in through the bathroom window warped as it danced across the surface of the water. The blurry shapes of the tile wall swam and swayed. He didn’t blink, even as the raw cold bit at his eyes. He exhaled and watched the bubbles float to the surface.

What would it be like to never surface?

Haru finally forced himself to sit up, taking in a deep breathe. Air rushed into his body, hot and uncomfortable, and he wished he could have stayed there floating. It had been peaceful. But he was shivering now and if Makoto chose this time to stop by, he would surely tell him off. He slowly stood from the bathtub, legs trembling gently. His muscles screamed as he stretched but he paid no mind to it. Instead he grabbed a towel and dried off stiffly.

He was already warming up, limbs move easier. Once he was dry enough, he tossed the towel into the hamper and padded across to his room to get ready for school. For once he would be ready by the time Makoto came to check on him. Makoto would be proud.

He didn’t want to put his clothes on over wet jammers so instead he headed downstairs and into the kitchen to make himself breakfast. He pulled on his apron and focused on the task of grilling a piece of mackerel for himself. Haru was so focused on the sound of the sizzling fish that he nearly missed the clatter of his front door opening and the call of his name.

The fish continued to sizzle. He stared at it blankly, spatula held several inches above the pan. He noticed it was shaking gently and quickly braced it on the griddle, flipping the fish a moment later.

“Haru, you’re out of the bath!” Makoto said from behind him, evidently shocked. Haru gave a small nod but didn’t turn around, focusing on his food. It was nearly done. “We might be on time today.” The sound of rustling clothing and a small ‘oof’ told Haru that Makoto had settled down on the floor beside the low table.

It only took Haruka a minute more before he had finished cooking his breakfast. Once he had placed it on a plate he settled down across from Makoto, green eyes meeting blue as the brunet smiled at him like he always did. But as Haru started to eat his meal, concern entered those bright, kind eyes and the smile slipped from his lips a little bit.

“Haru, are you okay?” he asked.

“Mm,” he answered with a nod.

“You’re quieter than normal this morning,” Makoto went on, cocking his head to the side.

Haru stayed silent for a few beats, debating what to say to his best friend. He didn’t want to worry him. He didn’t want to put any more pressure on the brunet. “Tired,” he supplied and met Makoto’s gaze. He was met with a sympathetic look and an understanding nod in return.

“Did you stay up too late? You know you should get more sleep after we have hard practices,” Makoto hummed, eating a bit of his best friend’s rice absently.

“Had to finish homework,” he said with a small shrug. The taller boy beamed at him, although he still looked a little annoyed that he had stayed up late enough to make himself tired. Makoto was like a parent, so very proud when their child did all of their work. The dark-haired boy got to his feet and rinsed his dishes. “Be back.”

Makoto hummed in response, stretching out his shoulders. Maybe he was sore. With one last glance at the brunet, in which he allowed his gaze to wander (just a little), Haruka left the room to go get dressed and grab his school bag. Today would be another long day of classes.

As he headed back downstairs he took a deep, steadying breathe. _Act normal. Normal Haruka. Calm._ He repeated these words under his breath until he stood in the entrance to the living room and looked over at Makoto. The tall boy glanced over and smiled then got to his feet and walked to him.

“Ready to go?” he asked Haru, who nodded.

Together they pulled on shoes and headed to school.

-

Haruka was right: it was another long day of classes. But thankfully when they were over and he had finished homeroom duties, he could head down to the pool. He headed down before Makoto, since the brunet was stuck talking to one of their classmates about some homework assignment, and found that he was the first to reach the pool.

Without waiting for the rest of his team, or for Ama-chan-sensei (still back in homeroom with Makoto), he dropped his bag unceremoniously on the floor in the locker rooms, stripped off his clothes and headed towards the pool. Diving into the water was like taking the first breathe of air after holding it for a long period of time.

He felt himself relax, the tension leaving his body, and let his mind wander. Keeping his eyes closed he floated on his back, drifting aimlessly.

“Haru-chan, you’re supposed to _wait_ for us!” Nagisa’s voice broke through the surface of the water and reached his ears. He opened his eyes and straightened, letting his feet touch the bottom of the pool. Shaking his hair from his face, he looked over to the edge to see Nagisa and Rei standing, still with their bags slung across their shoulders. Haru simply shrugged.

“Haruka-senpai, he _is_ right,” Rei piped up and straightened his glasses.

“Come on, Haru. Out of the pool. I want to talk to everyone,” came Makoto’s voice from behind the two second years and they turned to look at their captain. Haru sighed softly, not wanting to leave the comforting embrace of the water, but swam to the edge anyway and allowed Makoto to help hoist him from the pool. _Just for Makoto,_ he thought to himself. The brunet offered him a small smile before turning to Nagisa and Rei. “Okay, let’s get ready. I have a few things to say and then we can start practice.”

“Yes sir!” Nagisa said with unnecessary flourish and volume, saluting their swim captain before running off to the locker room. Rei followed him quickly, yelping something about running near the pool being unsafe.

“We’ll just wait for Gou-kun and Ama-chan-sensei, then we can get going,” Makoto said to Haruka. It seemed that he had dropped off his things in the locker room before joining them in the first place. He stretched his shoulders and arched his back.

“Mm,” Haru murmured.

He couldn’t help it. He watched as the muscles in his best friend’s back pulled and slid smoothly under his skin. How his back arched and curved so _beautifully._ Sometimes he wanted to touch that skin, that back. Feel the way Makoto was built, explore how he was put together. _When did Makoto become so…so…_

And then Gou and Ama-chan-sensei arrived, Ama-chan-sensei with a blue and white parasol today, and interrupted his thoughts. He was dropped back into reality and he didn’t like it. He would rather just float, sink, daydream. Haru didn’t _want_ to think.

Thankfully, though, Makoto’s speech was short and then they were practicing and he was back in the water.

“Have you spoken to any of the scouts yet, Haruka-senpai?” Rei asked during a short break midway through practice, looking at Haru where he was sitting on the edge of the pool, legs submerged in the water. Blue eyes widened momentarily and he hunched his shoulders, kicking his feet.

“Mm,” he replied noncommittally, gazing at the ripples his legs created on the surface of the pool.

“He still has time,” Nagisa chirped, settling down beside Haruka. “Right, Haru-chan? You have plenty of time to figure out which one you wanna go to. You have so many choices! It won’t be easy will it?”

_Stop talking, please just stop talking. Please go back to swimming, I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about it. That’s not what I want. Not what I want. That’s what Rin wants. I’m not Rin, have you forgotten that? He’s the one with the dreams…_ Haru thought, trying his best to not allow the despair and panic overcome him. He focused once more on his feet. Instead of answering Nagisa, he simply hummed and slipped back into the water with a snap of his goggles.

He felt Rei and Nagisa watching his progress to the other side of the pool. He knew they were still watching even when he ducked under, swimming hard, trying to reach the other end in one breathe. _Leave it alone, why can’t you leave it alone? That’s not what I want. Why can’t you **see that**?_

-

“Hey, Haru…” Makoto’s voice was gentle as they walked home that evening after practice. Haru cocked his head to show he was listening but didn’t say anything and focused on his steps instead. “Are you okay?”

The dark-haired boy chanced a glance at his friend and found Makoto watching him carefully. The concern was evident in those green eyes. He wished he wouldn’t look at him like that. _Stop…_ It made him feel guilty. For worrying his best friend. Makoto worried too much as it was.

“Mhm,” he said, focusing his eyes back onto the ground several meters before him. A dandelion was pushing its way out through a crack in the cement walkway. _Even the flower has a future…_

“You’ve been really quiet recently,” Makoto continued. “Is there something bothering you? Is it school related?”

Haru shook his dark head.

“Club related? Or is it personal?” Makoto prodded.

“I’m fine, Makoto,” he murmured, looking over at his friend. He caught his eye and stared at him unblinkingly. For a moment blue eyes bore into green and then the taller blinked and smiled. “Lots of things to do. That’s all.” Makoto nodded in understanding. They continued walking, now in silence, until they reached the steps that led towards the Tachibana residence. This was Makoto’s stop.

“See you tomorrow, Haru,” his friend said and parted ways. Haru continued up the path to his house. The house that sat alone and quiet and cold. Except, he was glad that his parents weren’t here, because they would undoubtedly add their voices to those already saying things like: _We’ve got high expectations; You have so much talent; You’ll go far_. They would undoubtedly add to the already crippling pressure weighing down onto his shoulders.

He stood in the foyer for a long time, in a daze, before kicking off his shoes and heading upstairs to work on homework.

 

****

 

Haru stared blankly at the blood welling up from the cut his razor had created on his thigh. He hadn’t meant to, truly. He just hadn’t been paying enough attention while he shaved (like most swimmers, he engaged in regularly shaving most body hair) and the blades had bit into his skin.

It wasn’t a big cut. It wasn’t even that much blood. But he couldn’t help but stare as a droplet finally trickled down his leg. It turned pink as it was washed away by the water of the shower. Slowly, as if he wasn’t even aware he was doing it, he reached towards it and carefully dug his nail into the cut, pressing deep until pain tickled his leg and more blood welled up around his finger. He let out a shaky gasp.

“What are you doing?” he whispered to himself and dropped his hand, turning into the spray of the shower. He let the water wash away any blood that oozed from the cut and finished shaving. And when he stepped out from under the shower, the cut had already stopped bleeding.

But he couldn’t forget the feeling of his thumb pressing into the cut, of the blissful white that filled his mind for a few seconds at the initial pain, where all his worries and concerns and fears about… everything… had simply vanished.

It was the first time.

But it wasn’t the last.

No one knew Nanase Haruka was hurting bad, and no one knew that he was hurting himself because of it.

 

****

 

It was a reoccurring dream. Tonight wasn’t the first time he had had it, but each time he awoke with panicked breathes and a cold sweat covering his body. And then he would rise and pad to the bathroom, tossing his clothes onto the floor uncaringly, and draw himself a bath and sink into the ice cold water and sit there all alone.

The cold water forced him to breathe brokenly, gasping and wheezing but he never got out until his teeth were chattering and his fingers were white and shaking and his lips were blue. It was his punishment for having that dream; a simple distraction. And when that didn’t work, he moved to the shower instead and turned it on hot until his skin was pink and burning, and let the razor bite into his skin, drawing blood. Then he would dig in his fingers and grasp at the blissful white that filled his mind and heart.

And he knew he was sinking further and further, _but he had never felt so damn peaceful_. 

-

He was glad that his jammers covered most of his legs. His thighs at the very least. Haru would shower with them on, like always, feeling the sting of the hot water seeping through the skintight suit, clinging against the cuts. And he relished in it. If he was able to give himself at least one second of white, he would. But most of the time the others were in the showers as well and he had no chance to press a finger against his leg hard and uncaring.

Makoto had noticed something was wrong.

“Haru,” he said after practice one night. “Wait for me?” He was still pulling on his sneakers. Haru cocked his head to the side then nodded. He always waited for Makoto. Why wouldn’t he. But Makoto had asked, so he settled down on the bench, watching his best friend absently.

“See you Mako-chan, Haru-chan!” Nagisa said loudly, giving a small wave. He grabbed Rei’s arm and dragged him out of the locker room.

“Makoto-senpai, Haruka-senpai, good night!” Rei said before he was bodily removed from the room. Haru and Makoto both responded with ‘goodbye’ and Haruka watched as the two second years disappeared from view.

Makoto straightened, having finished tying his shoe. Haru moved to stand as well. “Wait,” the taller boy said and Haru blinked up at him blankly, confused, but stayed seated anyway. The brunet paused, then settled down next to Haru on the bench. “Something’s wrong.”

“What?” Haruka asked, staring at his friend. Makoto’s eyes were filled with concern – _fear?_ – and for a moment Haru was distracted with just how strong his friend’s jaw was. He was a very handsome young man. Why had it taken the dark-haired swimmer so long to realize it?

“With you. Something’s wrong and you’re not telling me,” he said heavily, staring down at his hands. Haru looked away, _please don’t ask me, please don’t ask me_ , and stared at the lockers in front of him. “I’m worried.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” he answered stubbornly. “I’m fine.”

“No you aren’t, Haru,” Makoto murmured. “You’re not okay. I can tell that you’re not okay.”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Haru said again, harsher than before, flatter and harder. Makoto actually flinched beside him but didn’t back down. He raised his head and looked at the dark-haired swimmer. Haru could just see him doing so out of the corner of his eye.

Makoto was quiet for a very long time and Haru finally turned to look at him again, wondering if somehow the brunet had left him without his notice. But Makoto was still sitting beside him, frowning at him. Haru opened his mouth to speak, but the brunet cut him off.

“I spoke to Rin. He’s noticed there’s something wrong and he’s worried too…”

He tensed. _No. Why? No, don’t do that._ The black-haired boy stood up swiftly. “About what?” he asked the wall. He hadn’t realized he was shaking until he clenched his fists together.

“About you, Haru,” Makoto said. “Something is wrong and you won’t talk to either of us! And I know you haven’t spoken to Nagisa or Rei or Gou either. You don’t have to deal with this _by yourself_.”

Haru’s mouth felt very dry. He swallowed hard. _Yes I do. This isn’t your problem. You **have** a future. Rin **has** a future. You have dreams. _“I’m fine.” _No I’m not but I can’t talk to you I can’t burden you with this this is not yours this is mine I can’t hurt you my future (what future?) is **mine** my dreams (what dreams?) are **mine** why am I so pathetic… why am I broken… _ “I’m not dealing with anything. I don’t have anything to talk about.”

Makoto stood up swiftly and grabbed Haruka’s arm, a little harder than he probably intended to do, but dragged him around all the same. Haru stumbled and fell against the lockers, eyes wide as he stared up at his friend. Makoto never acted like this. This was more like Rin. Rin did this sort of thing. Rin had the short temper, he was the one who would’ve dragged Haru around.

But it wasn’t the redhead who stood before him. It really _was_ Makoto. And those green eyes were narrowed into thin slits and filled with worry and concern and _anger_. The brunet was furious. Haru felt him shaking. And when he spoke, he expected the taller to yell. But he didn’t. And he really wished he did yell. It would’ve made everything so much easier to deal with. So much easier to brush off.

“You’re lying to me and I know it,” he whispered and his voice was shaking just like his hands. “Don’t lie to me, Haru. Don’t lie to me. D-don’t.” And he bowed his head, shoulders shaking. “You’re my best friend. Don’t… don’t fucking shut me out. Don’t you trust me?”

Haru’s eyes widened when he heard Makoto curse. The brunet never cursed. What was he doing, why was he acting like this? _No, stop!_ He felt Makoto drop his forehead onto his shoulder, continuing to shake.

“Please, Haru,” Makoto murmured.

A dull chill ran through Haru’s body as he felt his friend’s lips move. He could feel it through his shirt, the way Makoto’s lips danced over his shoulder as he whimpered. But Haru _couldn’t_ speak. He couldn’t work his mouth. He opened and closed it several times, unsure what to do, not able to say anything.

Makoto’s hands were still clutching at his arms and it hurt. Those strong fingers were biting into his muscles but he didn’t say anything or move to shake him off. He simply stared over his friend’s head at the lockers across the room and mouthed stupidly as his mind reeled in panic. And the dreams came flooding back.

It had just been a dream, so why was it so vivid? _“We’re expecting great things from you, too!” Why, why do you expect great things? I’m nothing! “Swim already.” I can’t. Not for them, not for you, not for anyone._ It had just been a dream, why was it making him freeze up and panic? _I can’t anymore. Why am I swimming? “Swim now and show us!”_ Haruka’s trembling had grown, and now it was like he had been dowsed with cold water. He really wish he had; he would’ve liked that better. Instead, his mind was racing and _I’ve disappointed you, I’m sorry Makoto. I’m not anything why do you expect things from me I can’t do anything._ Haru couldn’t get his mouth to work. A soft whimper escaped his lips and Makoto finally raised his head to look at him with concern.

He needed to stop these thoughts _stop stOP **STOP** _ because he felt like he was going to pass out. He couldn’t breathe. His lungs had decided to fight against him. He simply could not force air into his body. So he stopped trying to figure out _what_ to do and just did.

And before he knew it, he had grabbed Makoto’s head with both hands and kissed him hard.

It worked. For a few seconds it worked, it distracted him and his mind was blissfully blank. A strong shudder went through his body and he pressed into Makoto’s surprised lips, biting and licking and sucking.

The brunet was completely slack and yielding to him and he moved them, forcing the taller up against the lockers instead. And finally Haru could take a deep, shuddering gasp, lips still against Makoto’s. His head spun at the oxygen, panting open-mouthed before pressing against him again. He could feel his friend trembling against him. _This works let me do this let me **use** you Makoto._

When Makoto moved, Haruka didn’t expect it.

He didn’t know what he thought his best friend would do, getting kissed so passionately, so unexpectedly, but he didn’t expect the reaction he was given. Makoto grabbed his shoulders and pushed him away, panicked and shaking and much too hard and Haru found himself tumbling to the ground. He caught himself on his wrists and the shock sent shudders of sharp pain through his arms.

He was still panting hard as he sat on the ground before the brunette, making no move to get up. Instead he slowly raised his head and looked up at his childhood friend. What he saw horrified him.

Makoto was staring down at him, his green eyes impossibly wide. His cheeks were dusted red, but Haruka figured that was more from start and lack of oxygen than embarrassment, because the look in his eyes was not embarrassment. He didn’t know what it was. _Don’t hate me Makoto please don’t I didn’t mean to oh god what have I done_. He was covering his lips with the back of his hand and when he finally dropped it to hang limply at his side Haru saw that they were swollen.

“H-Haru?” he choked out.

_No_.

“Haru?”

_I didn’t do that._

"Please, speak to me.”

_No._

“I-I’m not…not mad.”

_No._

_No not mad._

_You’re disgusted._

_I’m disgusting._

_What have I **done**?_

Haru could hear Makoto speaking to him, but he couldn’t make sense of the words. It sounded like waves against the shore. _No_. He blinked, but he couldn’t see properly.

A hand fell onto his shoulder and he slapped it away, staggering to his feet. It felt like it burned.

_No_.

_Don’t touch me._

_Pathetic. Disgusting. Dreamless. Useless._

He wasn’t aware that he was running, but he knew he had run into the doorframe by the throbbing pain in his shoulder.

“Haruka!”

Was that Makoto? Did he shout after him? But the dark-haired boy didn’t stop, didn’t turn back, he just kept running. His ears were filled with the rushing of his blood and the gasping of his breathe and his head spun but he couldn’t stop running. Not now.


	2. Chapter 2

His body was so cold even as the just-too-hot water beat down against his body. Curled on the floor under the shower, Haruka stared blankly across the bathroom. When he had first collapsed onto the tile he was sobbing. Maybe he was still crying; he couldn't really feel his face anymore. He couldn't feel much of anything.

He felt numb. What had he  _done_? He had kissed Makoto. He had kissed him, and it had scared Makoto, disgusted him he was sure. Would his best friend, if he could even call him that anymore, ever speak to him again?

Haru dragged his limbs across the tile of the floor and his knee knocked his razor. His dull blue gaze flickered to it and he slowly forced himself into a sitting position. Shaking hands reached for it before he retracted it quickly, clutching it to his chest.

The water continued to beat down, burning his skin.

Maybe he would go to bed. Maybe he would pull himself from the shower and curl up under his blankets and never get up. That sounded nice. The bed had no expectations, it would simply hold him and never let go if he didn't want it to.

He wished… he wanted… he wished Makoto were here. But that wouldn't happen.

So instead he pulled himself to his feet, turned the shower off and left the bathroom. Without drying off, without getting dressed, Haru buried himself in the blankets of his bed. As he slowly dried off, he took deep breathes of the warm, humid air filling his dark cave. He closed his eyes and cut out the dim light that was still filtering through his blankets. It wasn't long until he drifted off to sleep.

-

He had the nightmare again. And when he did, he stumbled, still naked, from bed and drew himself a bath. He didn't know what time it was, he didn't care if it was midnight or if it was four in the morning. Haru didn't even wait for it to fill, he simply slid into the tub and let the cold water lap at his skin. He sunk down until he could rest his head on the side of the tub and stared up at the dark ceiling.

It took him several long minutes of staring to realize that the tub was more than full and was now overflowing onto the bathroom floor. He sat up quickly and turned the knob, spilling more water out onto the floor. Then he let himself sink back into the icy water, resting his head once more against the side of the bath, and closed his eyes. The cold was nice. It was…soothing. Calm…silent except for the soft  _drip-drip-drip_  of overflowing water…he could hear his breathing and it was slow…and even…and…

-

"Haru! Oh god, what are you doing? Haru, Haruka!"

Someone was talking to him, shouting at him but it sounded very far away and he just wanted to roll over and go back to sleep. He was so comfortable, so peaceful. He had never slept so well in his life, why couldn't they let him be?

"Haru, please wake up! Please open your eyes!"

There were hands now, hands on his neck and face and arms. They were warm and large, but panicked and urgent. And Haru just wanted to sleep, he was so comfortable.

"Haru, please!"

He was being moved now. Someone was bodily picking him up, dragging him from his peaceful bed and towards them. A strong someone with broad shoulders and warm arms and soft, gentle lips moving incessantly against his ear in hurried whispers. He knew that voice.

Haru opened his eyes slowly and looked up at the face hovering before him. Makoto's panicked face swam into view. "Ma…koto?" he mumbled. Why was his mouth so hard to move? He tried to sit up straighter, but found that his body wasn't really cooperating. "Go away… I was sleeping."

"In the bath?! In freezing cold water? Haru what were you doing? You could've…could've…could've died," Makoto's voice had been reduced to a hoarse whisper and he was clinging to Haru tightly. It kind of hurt.

"I was taking a bath," he mumbled. "Nothing wrong with that."

Makoto chose to ignore him. Haru tried to wiggle free of his best friend's arms, but the other swimmer wouldn't let go. Instead the brunet was running his hand up and down Haruka's arm.

"We need to get you warmed up," he whispered and stood up. Haru let out a startled noise as he was pulled to his feet, but his legs didn't seem to want to work on their own. So he simply allowed Makoto to carry him over to the shower. He did it like Haru didn't weigh anything. Maybe he didn't. Maybe he was wasting away and didn't even know it. The taller fumbled with the hot and cold and turned it on.

Both of them were drenched in the warm spray. Haru hissed and tried to jerk away from Makoto's grasp and out of the burning water. It was so  _hot_ , and his body was so cold. His chest seized up momentarily at the shock. "Haru, stop," Makoto said. "Haru, you need to warm up!" He moved his hands from Haru's arms and clutched his face instead, holding it still between both hands.

Haru opened his eyes and looked at the one holding him. He was met with a fully clothed and soaking Makoto, his eyes wide and pleading. Was he crying? He looked so scared. His lips were trembling just a little, and Haru wanted to kiss them. "Haru what are you doing? W-why were you asleep in the bath?"

"Had a nightmare," Haru mumbled, looking away.  _Don't look at me like that, don't ask me hard questions. I had a nightmare a nightmare a nightmare and that's it can't you just accept that?_

"Look at me," Makoto ordered. Haru's blue eyes flickered to him. The water was running down the brunet's hair and face, falling into his eyes and over his lips, but he didn't seem to care. He didn't seem to care that he was still fully dressed. He locked his green eyes with Haru's and he just couldn't get himself to look away. "It's more than that."

"No," Haru murmured.

"Haru,  _please_ ," he whispered. "Why were you in a freezing bath? You could've died. I c-could've… lost you."

_Lost me. But you still have a future. Even if I'm not here…_  Haruka couldn't drag his gaze from his friend. His mouth hung open in a dazed sort of fashion. "I…" he said. "It helps. It distracts me."

Makoto's face contorted in pain. As if he had physically been struck, and Haru had been the one to do it. "Distract you from what?" he choked out. He didn't let go, and Haru flushed. He was so  _close_. So close, last-night-after-practice close and he simply mouthed for several seconds.

"Just… things," he replied.

_Things I don't want to tell you because you'll be ashamed because I'm pathetic because I have no future_.

The hands on his cheeks were trembling. Haru wanted to reach out and hold him, he wanted to pull him close. But he didn't want to chase away Makoto more than he already had. He tried to step back away from him, maybe lean against the wall, but his friend didn't let him.

Instead, he pulled him closer and pressed his lips against Haru's.

Well, that woke him up. His blue eyes widened in shock.  _Why are you trembling so badly?_  He wondered as he felt Makoto's lips against his, pressing close, shuddering. And then his mind thawed and he pulled Makoto closer, fingers tangling in his wet hair and bit sharply at his lips.

Makoto actually whimpered; the sound hit his lips and he drank it down immediately. The taller boy was still trembling, as if he were scared, as if he didn't know what he had done and didn't know what to do. He sucked in a shallow breathe, their lips still touching. Haru kissed him again, harder, breathless, and licked into the brunet's mouth.

Haruka's legs felt a little wobbly. He was kissing Makoto. He was actually kissing him, and Makoto was kissing him back. He slipped backwards, causing the taller to stumble, and fell against the shower wall.

"I thought…" Haru murmured after they had broken apart, panting softly. "I thought you were disgusted."

Makoto looked at him, eyes wide. His face was pink, all the way to his ears, and the dark-haired boy couldn't help but think how cute he looked like that. "No," he replied. "…startled. A little unsure. But not disgusted."

_Not disgusted. Not disgusted. Not disgusted._

Haru's heart beat hard in his chest until he thought it would burst.

"I…I," Makoto stuttered then blurted out, "how'd you learn how to kiss so well?" His cheeks turned crimson when he realized what he had just said and he let go of Haruka.

This was a bit too much for the dark-haired boy. Without Makoto's support, he slid down the wall to sit on the floor, knees pulled to his chest. The pleasure and joy that the kiss had given him was slowly ebbing away already and he slumped, closing his eyes.

"Haru!" Makoto yelped and dropped to his knees before him.

"I'm just tired," Haru murmured softly into his knees.

"Okay. You don't have to go to school. Let's get you to bed…" the brunet breathed and helped Haruka to his feet.  _Haven't you seen my legs? Won't you be disgusted? I've hurt myself on purpose._ But it didn't seem that Makoto had noticed, because he simply wrapped Haru in a towel and led him into the bedroom.

 

****

 

This wasn't what he wanted.

_No this isn't me_.

The water dragged against his body in a way it had never done. He felt like he was being pulled under and as he struggled harder, kicked harder, he was dragged back more harshly. It felt like it was wrapping around his body and he couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't move.

_"_ _Show us your freestyle!"_   _No I can't I can't swim I can't this isn't me I don't want to be here stop looking at me_. He couldn't swim anymore. He couldn't. As he slowed down, he felt the tug of the water against him. He heard the crowd and their shocked gasps and the calls of confusion but he didn't care as he dropped his feet to the bottom of the pool, standing.

Head bowed, Haru watched as droplets of water fell from his hair into the pool. The murmurs that raced through the crowd sounded like the rush of the ocean and he forced his eyes closed.  _This is not me…_

_-_

Haruka heard the footsteps and he knew it was Rin before he even looked up. And then his arm was being grasped in a tight hold and he stumbled back a little bit. He met the maroon gaze with his own sharp glare.

"Haru! What do you think you were doing? Why the hell did you do that?!" Rin yelled, eyes narrowed. He still hadn't let go, and the hold was getting painful.

"It has nothing to do with you," he mumbled and jerked his arm away from his friend.  _Go away Rin, go away leave me alone stop pushing your dreams onto me Rin_ _ **stop**_.

Rin grit his sharp teeth. "Like hell it doesn't! This was an important match with all the scouts watching!" The redhead was furious but Haru wasn't intimidated. There was very little Rin could say to change  _anything_.

_You don't know anything you don't know anything Rin I'm not you get away from me Rin go away! Leave me alone!_ He was choking on his breathe, it was getting stuck in his throat. He swallowed hard against that dry lump and tried to calm his heart. But he just  _couldn't._

"What do I care about that? Because scouts were watching? So I can set records in front of a crowd? None of that is what I swim for!" Haruka snapped back, eyes narrowed. Rin recoiled for a moment, and it brought him a dark sort of pleasure. But it obviously wasn't enough to get Rin to back down.

_Stop just_ _**stop!** _

"Then what do you swim for?" Rin asked, his voice cracking slightly as he shouted.

"I swim for myself and for my friends!"

Rin's face contorted. "Then swim for those friends and for your own sake! Do you not understand that what you do out there is going to impact your future?"  _I don't have a future._  "Don't you have a dream?!"  _I don't have any dreams._ "Take this more seriously! I know you could—"  _Stop_ _ **talking!**_

Haruka's hand slammed into the lockers beside him and the clattering bang that echoed through the room was much too loud. Rin flinched, taking a step back, as if for just a second he had thought he had been struck. For a moment Haru thought he had hit him too. But as he felt the cool sting of the metal against his fist, panting hard in panic and anger, he knew he hadn't and part of him wished he had.

"You're the one who doesn't understand! What dream?! What future?! It's you who cares about all that! I'm not you! I don't have any of that!" he yelled, causing Rin to take another startled step backwards.  _I'm not like you. I'm not you. I don't have a future I don't have dreams can't you see that Rin I wish I could be you but I can't I can't be you I don't have any dreams I don't_ _ **have any future**_ _._

Panting hard and relishing in the expression Rin was making, he pushed himself away from the lockers and turned. He was met with Makoto, Rei and Nagisa standing in the doorway, frozen with shock.  _Oh no_ … "I didn't know you all here," he said, attempting his normal calm and failing miserably.

It was happening again. The overwhelming crash of emotions that had hit him after he had kissed Makoto the first time. His chest tightened and he couldn't breathe.

"Haru-chan…" Nagisa murmured.

-

They won; they had beaten the Samezuka relay team. It had been close, so close, millisecond close, but Haru had done it, slapping his palm against the pad  _right_  ahead of Rin. Panting softly from the exertion, he listened to his teammates and the rush of the crowd and the softer words that Rin was saying to Yamazaki and Nitori and the younger Mikoshiba, and he couldn't help but bow his head.

They had won. They had given it their all, giving Rin and Sousuke, especially, a race to remember… so why…  _why…why do I want to run and hide?_

 

_****_

 

Makoto hadn't left even though Haru wanted nothing else but to sink into an icy bath and try to numb the unrelenting pain that was creeping through his brain. He wouldn't be able to keep it together for much longer and he knew it.  _Makoto just go home_.  _Go home, please go home. I don't want you to see me._

But Makoto was speaking to him as they walked through the door of the Nanase residence, and he didn't look like he was going to leave and that was when Haruka remembered they had planned on doing homework together. Why had he decided that would be a good idea?

And to top it off, it would be the first time they were alone, completely alone with no interruptions and no places they'd need to run off to, since the incident with the bath and the shower.  _And the kiss._  Makoto hadn't spoken about it and hadn't even mentioned it in passing. It made Haru worry. As if he needed more of that.

Did Makoto regret kissing him in the shower? Did he do it because he was scared for him and didn't know what else to do? Makoto would definitely be someone to sacrifice something of himself for the betterment of his friends. Haru didn't want his friend to be going along with this, whatever  _this_ was, because he thought it would help the dark haired swimmer.

He worried his lip absently as he kicked off his shoes in the foyer and headed upstairs to grab his books and homework, leaving Makoto to settle himself in the living room. For a moment he stood in his room, taking deep breathes and trying not to let his mind wander to ways he could just maybe get a flash, a second flash, of peaceful white. But the brunet was waiting downstairs. He would undoubtedly come up looking if Haru didn't come down in the next couple minutes and he really didn't want him to find out.

With a quick brush down his thigh, he found his most recent cut,  _I'm so pathetic… so weak…_ , and pushed down on it hard. A gasp escaped his lips and he doubled over momentarily as pain washed up his leg. A moment's blankness. A moment's peace. Then he straightened and grabbed his school bag and went down to join Makoto.

"Neh, Haru," the brunet hummed as he joined him on the floor, across the low table.

"Mm?"

"I've been thinking…" he said then broke off. The blue eyed boy looked up from where he was organizing his books, and was met with a brilliantly blushing backstroke swimmer. Makoto was looking down at his papers, his eyes ever so often flickering to Haru's face.

_Stop it. Stop being like this. It makes it so hard._

"I've b-been thinking about how we, um, kissed…" he stuttered out. It seemed that his mouth didn't really want to work. It was cute, the way his lips moved when he was nervous.

_Here it comes_.  _He'll let you off gentle. I know it, it's how he is._

"…A little bit ago…"

_It'll be okay. I'll be okay, just spit it out and tell me. Get it over with._

"I really liked it."

_Wait._

Haru's eyes widened and he stared at his best friend, mouth hanging open slightly. He couldn't have heard him properly. Surely he missed a 'didn't' in that sentence, Makoto had been speaking so quietly, maybe it hadn't reached his ears.

"Come again?" he asked dumbly.

"I liked kissing you, Haru," Makoto said and this time his voice was firm, and even though he was still blushing furiously, there could be no doubt that he was being honest. That he  _meant_  it. And as this fact sunk in, Haru's eyes widened even more and his cheeks burned so hot that he felt that they might melt off.

Makoto wasn't done, though. "And I think I might, well, um, like you…like that," he mumbled under his breath, but the words were loud and clear.

Haru couldn't breathe. He literally could not breathe. His chest was so tight that it hurt, and it felt like his heart was going to explode, burst from its confinement.

"H-Haru?" Makoto asked, startled and concerned, no doubt, with just how still and silent he was.

And then he could breathe again, but he was breathing too hard and too fast, because  _this isn't how it's supposed to work. You're supposed to say you don't feel that way that you're not disgusted but you don't love me, don't_ _ **want**_ _to kiss me. You're not supposed to do this._  His head spun as he hyperventilated, gulping down shallow, whimpering breathes.

Papers and books fell onto the floor as the table was knocked aside violently, and then Makoto was kneeling in front of him and clutching at his face. His eyes were wide with panic. "Haru," he said, "Stop. Stop, you're going to pass out."

Haru forced himself to hold his breath for a few seconds, then let it out slowly. Makoto smiled encouragingly, although he was still obviously panicked. "Deep breathes. Slow breathes," Makoto said. Again Haruka took a breath, and he was able to, slowly and carefully, take deeper and deeper breathes. His head had stopped spinning.

"Are you telling the truth?" he murmured, meeting Makoto's green gaze.

"W-what? Yes! Of course I am!" the brunet yelped and he was pleased that the question had shocked him so badly. Then maybe it was true.

"Can you pinch me?" Haru asked.

"What?"

"Pinch me," he said again, "because I…I don't want this to be a dream." He was sure that his gaze was desperate, that he was looking at the brunet with wide and panicked eyes. He wasn't sure he would be okay if this turned into a dream. If he found himself gasping in bed, wracking with sobs because of course this wouldn't happen.

But Makoto did what he was asked and pinched him. He delivered a short but strong pinch to Haruka's thigh, a gasp of pain slipped from his lips. He didn't know how Makoto had done it, but he had pinched the most recent cut, the cut that could probably still bleed if it was bothered too much. But it meant that he was awake, that this wasn't a dream. And he couldn't stop himself from rocking onto his knees and kissing the boy before him.

Makoto, however, wasn't having any of it. He broke it swiftly and eyed the dark-haired boy with concern. "Are you okay? I didn't pinch you that hard," he murmured softly. Haru just nodded in reply and kissed him again, a little more aggressively. The brunet didn't pull back this time, instead sliding his fingers into Haru's hair.

Their mouths slotted together perfectly and Haru couldn't stop the soft sigh that escaped his lips.

 

****

 

"Haru, I want—" Makoto broke off, his cheeks bright red and his eyes downcast. He fidgeted, rubbed his hands together and Haru watched him curiously, confused as to why Makoto was acting like this. He rarely acted in such a manner, and it left Haru wondering. "I want, um, I…"

"What is it?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.

"No, never mind! It's not a big deal, forget it," the brunet blubbered and turned back to his homework. The freestyle swimmer frowned slightly and set his pencil down. He straightened his leg and nudged Makoto's knee under the table. The taller boy jumped comically.

"Tell," Haru demanded, fixing him with an intense blue stare.

Makoto swallowed hard and stared at his hands. He took a deep breathe, as if steeling himself for something, then looked up and met the freestyle swimmer's gaze. Even though his cheeks were flushed and he worried his lips, his green eyes were determined, if not a little bit nervous. "I want you," he said.

Haru blinked slowly.  _He wants me? What does he… he_ _ **wants me**_ _._   _He wants me_ _ **that way**_ _Makoto wants me he wants to…to…_  As he worked through this, his eyes widened and a deep blush washed over his face. His mouth fell open and he could do nothing but stare. Makoto had just said…

"I want to, to touch you," Makoto mumbled, glancing down at his hands. But he didn't keep his eyes downcast for long, and once more Haru found himself frozen in place.  _Has Makoto's eyes always been so beautiful?_ It felt like he was getting burned by that gaze, those beautiful eyes, and his mouth was very dry.

Haruka wasn't aware that he had been mouthing stupidly until Makoto cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "See, just, just forget it," he murmured. "It's not a big deal." He looked sad, disappointed, and Haru couldn't handle that. He was just in shock that  _Makoto_ had been the one to mention it.  _Makoto_  had asked.

Instead of trying to get his tongue around words, he rocked onto his knees and placed his hands firmly on the table before leaning across the book strewn surface to press his lips firmly to Makoto's. The young man jumped at Haru's quick motion, but relaxed into the kiss and tangled his fingers into Haru's dark locks.

Haru felt teeth on his lip and he let out a breathy groan of surprise. Makoto repeated the action before smoothing the bite gently with his tongue. He parted his lips further and the taller boy slid his tongue into his mouth. He sucked absently at the tongue exploring his mouth, panting softly.

He didn't realize he had crawled onto the table until he was pressing closer to the brunet, licking his own way into the taller's mouth. Makoto let out a soft whimper as he bit sharply at his lips. The dark-haired boy settled on the edge of the table, legs on either side of Makoto, and tugged him forward with the collar of his shirt.

The feeling of Makoto's body pressed against his own was intoxicating. The brunet pulled himself onto his knees and wrapped his arms around Haruka's waist, holding him close. The dark-haired boy let out a shaky breathe as he broke the kiss, allowing his lips to drift down Makoto's neck. He bit gently at the tanned skin there, relishing in the beautiful gasp that broke free from the taller boy.

He tasted good, a faint taste that Haruka wanted more of. Flushing, he wondered what  _other_  parts of Makoto would taste like. And suddenly, he needed to know, because  _I'm finally touching you, is this real?_  Impatiently, he tugged at Makoto's shirt and pulled it over the swimmers head. The brunet floundered for a moment with it, all long arms and broad shoulders, before tossing it aside and moved to pull Haru's shirt off as well. It fell, forgotten, across the room from Makoto's.

Lowering his head, Haru traced the line of Makoto's collarbone with his lips and tongue down to his chest, where he placed sloppy, open mouthed kisses against the skin there. The swimmer gasped and whimpered at the contact and Haru felt strong fingers trailing down his back towards his pants. The dark-haired boy slid off the table and captured Makoto's nipple between his lips. Curious to see what would happen, he rolled it gently between his teeth. He was lightheaded and panting hard, but he didn't want to stop,  _couldn't stop._

Makoto keened. "H-Haru," he moaned out, fingers finding raven locks. He pulled roughly, the tips of his fingers scraping across his scalp, dragging a soft groan from Haruka's lips. Haru didn't let himself be pulled back and a moment later the brunet seemed to give up and allowed his hands to drift down once more. He dropped his head back as Haru played with his nipple, sucking and licking at the pert bud. Makoto made some wonderful noises, that was for sure, and Haruka wanted to hear more of them.

The taller boy's hands worked furiously at Haru's pants, but the lips on his skin – the smaller boy had moved to the other, until recently neglected nipple – seemed to be making it hard for him to concentrate. The dark haired swimmer let out a soft huff of laughter but didn't assist him, much too busy working at the brunet's pants to do so.

Haruka tugged Makoto's pants and boxers down his hips then pushed him back, causing the brunet to tumble backwards onto his now-exposed backside. He let out a soft grunt and looked at Haru with wide eyes, the green bright and shimmering. But he allowed the smaller to pull his pants off completely without a word, until he was sitting there, naked and bright red.

He had seen his best friend naked before; in the changing rooms, at the Tachibana house, a couple times down at the ocean when they had forgotten their swimsuits. But he had never once seen the backstroke swimmer flustered, bright red down to his chest, and with an achingly hard cock between his legs.

Suddenly his mouth was very dry. Makoto didn't let him dwell on the sudden blankness that had taken up his mind, though, because he then felt hands on his hips and he was pulled between the brunet's legs and pulled into a deep kiss that took his breathe away. Haru tangled one hand in Makoto's hair, the other helping with the task of getting his pants off.

It was only as Makoto pulled them down over his hips did he realize that this was a bad idea, a very  _bad_ idea because  _he's going to see he's going to see and he'll hate me no!_ Haru ripped himself away from the brunet in panic, but the only thing he succeeded in doing was pull his pants to his knees and hit the table with his back hard.

His pants dragged hard against the cuts that littered his thighs and he pushed back from the table, keeping a hand on it to steady himself as pain shot up his back from the impact point. He let out a low groan.

"Haru! Are you o—"

_No._

It was too late, he couldn't hide it.

_Nononono please Makoto no, just ignore it! Just ignore them! Just_ _ **touch me and ignore them**_. Haru knew that he wasn't that lucky, that he would never be that lucky, so he sat frozen, legs tangled in his pants, head bowed and back throbbing. He was the opposite of turned on, now, and instead was panting for a whole different reason.

His chest squeezed hard and his head spun. Makoto hadn't said anything, but he knew that he was still there, their feet were touching. Steeling himself for the worst, he opened his eyes and peered up through his hair at the tall boy before him.

There were tears in Makoto's eyes, and he was staring at him, mouth slack. "Haruka," he said hoarsely, finally breaking the silence. Haru looked away, but saw how that green gaze was focusing on his legs, and the cuts there before he did so. Shame washed over him. He was so  _weak_. So  _pathetic_. He wanted to run and hide, he wanted this to stop. He wanted to curl up and bed and never get out, because he felt like this feeling would be the death of him.

He jumped violently as he felt a trembling hand touch his leg and he looked up at Makoto.

"I didn't know you were hurting this bad," he whispered. He moved closer and pressed his lips to Haru's trembling ones. The dark haired swimmer felt a warm hand cover the worst of the cuts, as if to heal it in a touch. He didn't respond to the kiss, too numb to do much of anything, but the brunet didn't seem to mind. He simply moved down his neck, kissing down his chest and stomach.

He was vaguely aware that Makoto had gotten rid of his pants. He was vaguely aware of the hands on his hips and thighs, and the way his back ached from where he had hit it on the table. And he was acutely aware of the lips that had suddenly pressed feather-light to the abused skin of his thigh.

He looked down, eyes wide, and saw Makoto looking up at him. As he did so, he pressed another gentle kiss to the cuts. It was too much. The acceptance Makoto had just given was just too much, and his eyes filled with tears.

Haruka covered his eyes with his arm, letting out a soft sob. Makoto didn't move from where he was situated between his legs, simply pressing another kiss to his thighs. "You don't need to do this," the brunet murmured between kisses.

"I-I know," Haru choked out.

"I wish I could take the hurt away," Makoto breathed.

"You can't."

"I know," the brunet murmured. "But I can try."

His kisses had moved further up his thighs, and then Makoto's lips were on his mostly-limp cock. It drove all other thoughts from his mind as the brunet took his dick into his mouth gently with soft sucks and Haru let his head drop back. "M-Makoto." The mouth enveloping him was so hot, so wet, so  _perfect._

The backstroke swimmer pulled back. "I'll make it better," he said, then swallowed him once more. The gentle caresses of Makoto's surprisingly talented tongue encouraged life back into his cock and soon he was just as hard as before. He let out a soft, choked moan. His whole body felt like it was on fire.

The tears wouldn't stop though, they just kept coming. He felt a flicker of shame come over him, he felt so pathetic, he shouldn't be crying, but he was crying as Makoto took his dick into his mouth even further. It felt so good though, and soon he was letting out soft moans as ripples of pleasure coursed through him.

Makoto was too good at this, Haru didn't know how he was doing so well, but he knew that if Makoto kept this up he wouldn't last long at all. "A-ah, Makoto."

The brunet's tongue ran up the underside of his cock before gripping the base with his hand, squeezing and pumping as he took him back into his mouth fully. Haru shuddered in pleasure, legs shaking, as Makoto sucked even harder, and then he  _moaned around him_  and it was too much.

When it hit him, it hit him like a train and he was grasping at Makoto's hair tightly and letting out a muffled moan through his hand, cumming hard into the brunet's mouth. His head spun in pleasure and he sagged against the table, eyes closed, tears still clinging to his eyelashes.

He felt hands on his face and he opened his eyes once more. Makoto was close, so close, and gently he brushed the tears streaking his face off with his thumbs. Then he was kissing him, and it was slow and passionate and Haruka whimpered.

Makoto had accepted him. He had accepted everything, and he still wanted him. And even if that didn't take away all the pain, and all the fear of his future, and of everything… it helped. He pressed deeper into Makoto and licked his way into his mouth, and the taste of his seed was still on the brunet's tongue, but he didn't mind. Because it was Makoto. Because the brunet  _would_  make everything better.

 

-fin-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *runs away to write different, not as depressing works*


End file.
